(Gender)Role Models

As I was skimming through some Sleater-Kinney music videos this evening, I was reminded of something I had almost forgotten about. Not that I ever really forgot the impact Carrie Brownstein had on me as a 15 year old girl with a mere 3 years of guitar playing under my belt, but I almost forgot that feeling that comes with admiration - the special kind - that we hold for folks who inspire us and point us down a path we hadn't come to see on our own.

I thought, "Wow...so that's how you hold an electric guitar."

Though it would be years before I fully appreciated riot grrrl in the capacity of womens' movements or even paid attention to the lyrics in Bikini Kill songs, I never forgot Carrie's swagger, or her infamous kick. I never forgot the serious look on her face that told me, "Look kid, it was a long hard road to get here, what the Fuck are you looking at? Now move out of the way, I'm about to solo." I'm sure this isn't what she means for her face to say, but that's the way it burned in my memory. She was the kind of sexy that I had been looking for and did not know existed. With the likes of the Spice Girls all over mainstream radio and my in depth familiarity of "alternative music" being saturated in Tori Amos, Bjork, and Natalie Merchant (and I still love these artist!), I was therefore only accustomed to the idea of having to wear crazy ass make-up and/or sashes and play acoustic guitar if I was going to really make it as a female musician.

So, tonight I got to thinking in terms of my new gender identity and could not help but wonder: Had I been born male, would I have looked up to Carrie Brownstein? Ever? Would I have settled for Jimmy Page instead? Would I have even picked up the guitar? Maybe I would have been pushed into sports and become enamoured with Dan Marino instead (I grew up in South Florida and he was all the rage back then).

Regardless, I was born with a vagina, took a liking to the guitar, was grounded a lot (hence a good deal of practice), and eventually felt like the locked up female I was and found some badass women to look up to.

Obviously, once I transition, my herstory is not going to change. Ten years from now I hope someone asks me, "So, who inspired you the most when you were young?" And in my burly man-voice I will say, "Carrie Brownstein. She taught me how to hold a guitar like a real woman."


Before I close this out - I'd like to hear who your first role model was and why!!

<3
Jackson

hair.

For the majority of my life I've had really long hair. I remember my mother would braid and style it before school for me. Sometimes she would make my pigtails so tight that I'd get a head ache halfway through the day, but that didn't matter to me because I thought my hair looked good.

When I hit adolescence I remember using half a bottle of rave hairspray to try and get my bangs to stand up just right. I was obsessed. I crimped, curled, ironed, feathered, layered, colored, and teased my hair. People complimented me quite often on how pretty my hair was. I could never conceive of cutting it all off.

My hair became intricately tied to my self esteem and my self worth. Like many young women, I based my worth on my ability to attract boys. I already felt like I couldn't measure up to other girls my age because I wasn't thin enough, or I was too poor to have the coolest clothes, or because I was too brown. My asset, became my hair.

I wish I could say that this changed for me once I left high school but unfortunately college was more of the same. I remember mentioning to my then boyfriend that I was considering cutting my hair and he threw a fit about it. That was all it took, and I left it alone.

My life changed a good deal after college, and I grew enough confidence to cut my hair to about chin length. Then for a number of years I kept it relatively short but always very feminine.

Over the last few years I've rediscovered (I'm sorry I lost you!!!) my feminist riot grrrl self and with that has come a great deal of personal reflection. Why do I care so much what other people think of me?  How can I unlearn all of this crap!I'm succesful, artistic, creative, and intelligent damnit. No matter what my hair looks like. I am beautiful no matter how I wear my hair.


So for new years, I got my first mohawk. I had to drink a glass of wine during the procedure, but I made it through and while I'm cold as hell (the high tomorrow is 17degrees F) I feel liberated.

So for your enjoyment, mohawk party pictures :)