Be True to Yourself

Hey all. I love this clip of Ellen's Commencement speech. Check it out:



"Live your life with integrity... follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone's path unless you are lost in the woods and by all means take the path.."

I guess I am posting this because I am having a hard time this summer with figuring out what staying true to myself looks like. I feel a little bit lost, a little bit emotional, at times very alone and others horribly confused. I realize that I have a lot of great things in my life, but it is hard to see out of all of the emotion that comes and goes with the days. I used to get over things by staying busy and ignoring them. It doesn't seem like that is working anymore. I don't want to bother my friends with talking about it because I am not sure what to say, it is more than words it is a feeling.

This summer I have had family members fall seriously ill and it has made me come face to face with potential responsibility. I have had friends with problems bigger than those I have ever faced and it has made me question my own sense of right and wrong. I realize that I am not in the best financial state and it weighs on me daily. I have also seen that I look for acceptance by the people around me while lacking the inner acceptance that helps keep one going in the day to day. I spend too much time running away from things that are hard than facing them and dealing with them. I do too much for other people so that I can avoid some more. I don't know how to function any other way.

I'm really glad that I got my Genderqueer book back the other day because I am hoping that I will find some solace in it. Lately I have mentioned to people that I get mistaken for a boy, without ever really stopping to reflect how it affects me. In some settings I like my queerness, in others it makes me feel isolated and identity-less. I feel like I very rarely fit my haircut. I don't want to be all girly, but I'm tired of being looked at with a feel of interrogation. There are days when I want my chest to disappear and others when I love wearing makeup and showing some cleavage.

I feel like I am whining and I shouldn't be. I am really a very lucky person and I get to go to my favorite place in a few days. I'll leave it at that.