Being a Woman at odds with Femininity

While watching a Beyonce video tonight I was struck by Beyonce's emphasis of her femininity. On the one hand, I know that women in mainstream music have to work with their femininity because that is what sells. If Beyonce didn't shake her ass and wear bright red lipstick then she wouldn't be as popular. I guess I am surprised by how easily her femininity comes to her. If I wanted to look feminine I would need to try really hard at it. An old ex told me once that when I talked about wearing heels it was like I was "trying too hard".

I don't wear makeup and have not worn a skirt or carried a purse in a couple of years. My haircut is longer than it has been in awhile, but it is still really short and when I wore it longer it didn't seem to suit me or be extremely feminine. Now that I am teaching I have been trying to update my wardrobe because I am essentially performing for 40 hours a week now.

I don't feel comfortable with extreme femininity, it doesn't seem to fit. I feel like a football player wearing a tutu when I try to wear a face full of makeup and carry a purse. Dainty is not how I carry myself. I wish it were as simple as "being ok with the in between" but it isn't. There is a part of me that watches those Beyonce videos and is sad because I don't see a reflection of my type of woman.